Welcome to the end of 2012, and possibly the world as a whole if you’re so inclined to believe.
Once again, we’ve taken the stray thoughts that fell through the cracks in our Annual Report and compiled them into one (hopefully) comedic list. As my esteemed colleague Jeremy Larson wrote last year, “Year-end summaries, lists, recaps, and reports are just study guides for an exam that’s never happening, you guys.”
True, but by listing things and poking a little fun, we’re doing our part to remind you that the music industry can be a pretty funny place. We’re also encouraging you to stay on your toes through the endless cavalcade of weird on this wacky round ball we call Earth. So, please, enjoy our attempts to illicit a few chuckles, and if we’re really doing our job, that kind of laugh that makes your sides ache.
Best Festival Lineup That Didn’t Happen: UR1 Festival
Best Reunion: Run-DMC
Worst Reunion: Spice Girls
Most Forgettable Reunion: Goodie Mob
Best New Twitter User: Neil Young
Best Music-Related Tumblr: What if Adele was Mrs. Doubtfire?
Second Best Music-Related Tumblr: Kanye Wes Anderson
Overachiever of the Year Who Refuses To Admit It: Ty Segall
Who owes us money because they bet that My Bloody Valentine’s album would be out in 2012? Alex Young
Most Annoying Musician to Cover in 2012: The Flaming Lips
Most Annoying Musician In General in 2012: Cee-Lo Green
Musician Featured in the Best Shaving Cream Commerical: André 3000
The coolest website if you miss-type RollingStone.com: http://rollinstone.com/
The Most Unappreciated Man in Music Second Only to Jimmy Fallon’s Music Booker: Zane Lowe
Best Rapper Turned Executive Producer of Video Game: Jay-Z
Best Rapper Turned Festival Curator: Jay-Z
Best Rapper Turned NBA Mascot: Jay-Z
Best Video of a Rapper Riding the Subway: Jay-Z
Biggest Blow to Romney Presidential Campaign: Devo’s song about his dog
The one R&B singer who doesn’t want to remember 2012: Omarion
Worst Song Of The Year by virtue that it was recorded by the The Worst Person Of The Year: Chris Brown’s “Don’t Judge Me”
Song that could go on forever if we had our druthers: Mind Spiders’ “Wait for Us”
Most innovative album release scheme: Animal Collective’s Centipede Hz
Best Quiz: Who said it: James Joyce or Kool Keith?
If you wish pop songs were drone songs, then you should have definitely listened to: Now That’s What I Call Drone! Vol 1
What happened to DONDA? No idea.
Last Call with Carson Daly… is still on television.
Did Alex Young really buy a bootleg copy of Frank Ocean’s channel ORANGE? Yes, yes he did.
The Most Annoying Part of This Job: Rappers who drop music after 5:00 p.m.
Music Festival With the Best Website: Future Music Festival
Luckiest Guy of the Year: Nelly
Unluckiest Guy of the Year: Nelly’s fall guy
Biggest Lesson of 2012: Never ever ever drive through Sierra Blanca, TX
Best Cat Rapper of 2012: KeKe The Adopted Tabby Cat
Best Headline of 2012: Bat Pisses in Torche Guitarist’s Eye
Most Turbulent Music Festival: Culture Collide Festival
Fun fact: Bob Mould fans also love Todd Rundgren: We found out that fast.
Best Eff You to Big Business: The Black Keys vs. Pizza Hut and Home Depot
Best Smelling Musician: Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy
Best Repurposing of a Whiskey Barrel by… Justin Vernon
Top Three Names For Nirvana/Paul McCartney Group: 1. Sirvana; 2. Maccavana; 3. Nirveatles
Best Synergy Between Rap and Xmas since Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis”: Sufjy’s Xmas rap tape
Best Career Turnaround: Balloon Boy joins metal band
Best Album Titled Derived From A Christian-Themed Children’s Fantasy Book: Marnie Stern’s The Chronicles of Marnia
Least Gangster Moment of 2012: Rick Ross cancels concerts
Best Use of Flash Certification: Atoms for Peace’s Easter Egg
Best Thing To Happen To Croatia Since Reign of Tomislav: Ultra Music Festival
Best Case of Turning Lemons to Lemonade: Wayne Coyne selling his gold grenade
Most Expensive Box Set… Ever: The Residents’ $10,000 fridge thing