Ryan Hemsworth: Top Five Things That Make Me Not Want To Die

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    The Top Five is a brand new feature where we ask your favorite artists to create a list of five things revolving around anything that comes to their mind. Whether’s it’s their five favorite Sega Genesis games, or their five most cherished pieces of tupperware, it’s all for them to decide and for you to read.

    Canadian DJ and producer Ryan Hemsworth takes part in our latest installment as he supports his new seven-track EP, Still Awake, which you can download here. He’ll also be on the road all summer, with appearances scheduled at Forecastle FestivalPitchfork Music Festival, and Hopscotch Music Festival, among many others.

    1. That iPhone “tweet” whistle alert noise

    This is a real pick-me-up when you’re on the subway and just like, “god dammit, what a shit day. First my rollerblade’s velcro straps won’t come undone when I get to work so I have to wear them around the office, then Tim from Sector C gets the raise I’d been hoping for to C.E.O. of Yak Bak Inc. while I’m forced to stand there with my dick in my hand!” Then you have to take the subway home because all the streets are closed for Axl Rose Day. You’re sobbing into your hands when, *tweet, tweet*. It’s the sweetest little noise your ears have ever come across. *tweet, tweet* there it is again! Someone sitting across from you on the subway is sexting with a person they’ve never met, and the iPhone is making it sound like a wholesome, beautiful moment! Oh, iPhone, you’re so perfect. Kiss me.


    2. Cool Blue™ Gatorade

    Like a stupid idiot sometimes I go out at night and end up in a big dark room filled with people I don’t know, and I consume alcohol. Sometimes a lot – do NOT tell my mom or I will cry. And then hours later, I wake up, usually in a bed, and wouldn’t you know it.. I feel like dying! This is when I force my white body out of bed, into sneakers, and go to the closest 7-11. Have you ever been to one of these? It’s a spot usually run by a man who is angry and he’s surrounded by food and liquids and bathroom stuff that you have to buy off him if he’s feeling kind enough. In a situation like this one, I go for Gatorade. I go for specifically Cool Blue™ Gatorade because it looks like that mysterious amazing blue water that Adam Sandler’s character Bobby Boucher always keeps with him in the film, The Waterboy. When the Cool Blue™ touches my lips, it’s game over for the hangover.

    3. The X-Files on Netflix

    This sexual tension will be the death of me. Mulder and Scully must do it eventually, right? Don’t spoil it for me. But they have to, right? OK, besides all that, The X-Files walked the line perfectly. Sci-Fi and aliens aren’t usually my go-to things, but this shit made me a believer. I’m always so stuck on it because it’s a different thing going on every time. Like, yeah Mulder is always wacky and knows exactly what he’s doing and Scully is always sexy in her man suits and skeptical of Mulder even though he’s right every single episode. She’s always like, “No, it can’t be UFOs,” despite dealing with UFOs for the prior three seasons. But each episode it’s like: clones, ghosts, mutants who live in the sewers, etc., etc. I’ve also found that The X-Files on Netflix pairs well with a hangover and some Cool Blue™ Gatorade.

    4. Daschunds

    I don’t see the point of having a dog if you can’t look at him/her and laugh. Dogs are the goofiest damn things on earth and, gun to my head, I would rather spend my life with a daschund than a human. Daschunds, man. The features are too much, my eyes are about to well up right now. The ears… OMG and the legs. I can’t. But they’re also down to hunt for you and protect you no matter how much you laugh at them. That’s love.


    5. The Postal Service’s Give Up

    In a list titled, “Top 5 Things That Make Me Not Want To Die,” one would expect specifically this to not be on the list. But I’ve kind of become re-obsessed with it recently. I think it’s super important to revisit the stuff that made you feel things when you were younger. The stuff I listened to in middle school and high school still feel really powerful to me now. I loved this album so briefly and then repressed my feelings for it as a certain crowd I was way too exposed to in middle school began to put lyrics from it as their MSN Messenger names and carving them into their desks in school. It feels like I forgot the band pretty quickly, but I remembered their stuff last week and listened to Give Up again and was just like, shit. This is inspiring. I’m emo as ever nowadays so you can damn well expect to hear me play out something from this record, or at least get some inspiration from it on my next songs. Sorry, not sorry.

    Artwork by Cap Blackard.