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Ranking: Every South Park Song from Worst to Best

Here’s to 17 seasons of crude, offensive, distasteful, and downright hilarious music.

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    Music has always been an integral part of South Park: Primus’ Les Claypool sang the theme song; Rick Rubin produced the Chef Aid record; and co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have managed to rile up Kanye West and countless other musicians, actors, and celebrities.

    Since our favorite foulmouthed fourth graders are returning to Comedy Central for their 18th season tonight, we dug deep into the South Park archives to rank every song — yep, every single one — in the show’s storied history. We’ve included South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, as well as CD-only cuts from “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”. We took a walk down memory lane, way back to the early seasons when the boys were still third graders, and ended at season 17, which gave us many new songs worthy of the South Park tradition (looking at you “My Bitch Ain’t No Hobbit”, “Princess Kenny Theme”, and “A Chorus of Wieners”).

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    It depends on whether or not you double count some songs that appear in multiple episodes, but at a minimum, there are well over 350 original and non-original songs used in South Park. We thought about the quality of the parodies (or original songs) and their context when we constructed the rankings.

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    You know, I learned something today: Whether you only swear by the older episodes or you still avidly watch the new ones, there have been so many priceless musical moments in South Park’s history. Enjoy reliving some of these classic songs and scenes.

    –Killian Young
    Staff Writer

    Click ahead for the top 100. If you want the whole shebang, our rankings for 101-359 follow shortly after.

    100. “Oh Kathie Lee”

    (“Weight Gain 4000” S1E2)

    Mayor McDaniels can’t hold Chef back from singing about making sweet love to Kathie Lee. -Killian Young (KY)

    99. “Loving the Football”

    (“Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride” S1E4)

    If you follow Chef’s advice, you’ll never fumble again. You’ll also probably end up on a sex-offender list. –Matt Melis (MM)

    98. “You and Cthulhu”

    (“Mysterion Rises” S14E12)

    The Coon (aka Cartman) makes a new friend in the massive demon Cthulhu, who is naturally unleashed by BP’s unsafe, offshore drilling. -KY

    97. “Hippitus Hoppitus”

    (“Fantastic Easter Special” S11E5)

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    The Hare Club for Men (brilliant) mash up the Latin Mass and “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” as they go to life-threatening lengths to preserve the long-eared secret of the Catholic Church’s origins. -MM

    96. “Who’s Got the Greatest Mom in the World?”

    (“Tsst” S10E7)

    Cartman can avoid punishment like Tom Sawyer could avoid work; here, he butters up Mrs. Cartman with a melodious little ditty that he’s clearly used countless times before. -MM

    95. “Dawg’s Crew Theme”

    (“Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy” S10E10)

    When Cartman becomes the Hall Monitor of South Park Elementary, he is the dawg. The big, bad dawg. -KY

    94. “Carry on Wayward Son”

    (“Guitar Queer-O” S11E13)

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    Randy learns the hard way that playing real guitar just isn’t as cool as being a master of Guitar Hero. -KY

    93. “Crips and Bloods”

    (“Krazy Kripples” S7E2)

    Jimmy and Timmy find the way to quash even the fiercest gang feud: locking the rivals in a rec center to shoot hoops, eat pizza, and kick it with some board games and puzzles. -KY

    92. “Wake Up Wendy”

    (“Chef Aid” S2E14)

    Stan finds his inner Bernie Taupin, Elton John plays Stan’s song at Chef Aid to impress Wendy, and Johnny Cochran’s heart grows three sizes in the process. Chewbacca defense? -MM

    91. “My Robot Friend”

    (“AWESOM-O” S8E5)

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    Cartman — disguised as the robot A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000 to find out Butters’ embarrassing secrets — finds the tables turned on him when he learns that Butters has an incriminating video of him. -KY

    90. “Canada on Strike”

    (“Canada on Strike” S12E4)

    The world economy grinds to a halt as our neighbors to the north declare they’re going on strike — with fully rehearsed choreography no less. -MM

    89. “I Saw Three Ships”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

    Stan and Kyle can’t stop laughing at Shelly’s rendition of this Christmas carol, so she naturally freaks out. “Shut up, turds!” -KY

    88. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

    Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo reminds us of the true meaning of Christmas: having enough fiber in your diet. -MM

    87. “Christmas Medley”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

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    Jesus and Santa sing Christmas classics about themselves, with composer Marc Shaiman (he did the music for the film version of Hairspray) on the piano. -KY

    86. “Stinky Britches”

    (“Chef Aid” S2E14 / “Prehistoric Ice Man” S2E18)

    This song appears in some form in five episodes but was first heard in “Chef Aid”, when Alanis Morissette stole the song from Chef. -KY

    85. “Jesus Baby”

    (“Christian Rock Hard” S7E9)

    Cartman expresses his special “love” for Jesus as he, Butters, and Token start a Christian rock band called Faith +1 in order to get a platinum-selling record before Kyle, Stan, and Kenny. -MM

    84. “Heat of the Moment”

    (“Kenny Dies” S5E13)

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    Our senators and representatives could learn a thing or two about productivity by joining together for a rousing rendition of Asia’s “Heat of the Moment”, like the one led by Cartman and Congress in South Park. -KY

    83. “Poo-Choo Train”

    (“Red Sleigh Down” S6E17)

    Mr. Hankey and Cartman joyously sing this tune as they make a skid mark across America on their way to the North Pole in a train made of, well, poo. -KY

    82. “I Don’t Want to Wait”

    (“Trapper Keeper” S4E12 / “I’m a Little Bit Country” S7E4)

    Cartman nonchalantly hums this Paula Cole song as he brutally murders the messenger boy so that he can deliver the Declaration of Independence to the Continental Congress. -KY

    81. “My Best Friends”

    (“Spookyfish” S2E15)

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    Ever notice that the goateed “Evil” Cartman is a lot nicer than “Good” Cartman? Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sure do. -MM

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