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Ranking: Every South Park Song from Worst to Best

Here’s to 17 seasons of crude, offensive, distasteful, and downright hilarious music.

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    Music has always been an integral part of South Park: Primus’ Les Claypool sang the theme song; Rick Rubin produced the Chef Aid record; and co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have managed to rile up Kanye West and countless other musicians, actors, and celebrities.

    Since our favorite foulmouthed fourth graders are returning to Comedy Central for their 18th season tonight, we dug deep into the South Park archives to rank every song — yep, every single one — in the show’s storied history. We’ve included South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, as well as CD-only cuts from “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”. We took a walk down memory lane, way back to the early seasons when the boys were still third graders, and ended at season 17, which gave us many new songs worthy of the South Park tradition (looking at you “My Bitch Ain’t No Hobbit”, “Princess Kenny Theme”, and “A Chorus of Wieners”).

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    It depends on whether or not you double count some songs that appear in multiple episodes, but at a minimum, there are well over 350 original and non-original songs used in South Park. We thought about the quality of the parodies (or original songs) and their context when we constructed the rankings.

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    You know, I learned something today: Whether you only swear by the older episodes or you still avidly watch the new ones, there have been so many priceless musical moments in South Park’s history. Enjoy reliving some of these classic songs and scenes.

    –Killian Young
    Staff Writer

    Click ahead for the top 100. If you want the whole shebang, our rankings for 101-359 follow shortly after.

    100. “Oh Kathie Lee”

    (“Weight Gain 4000” S1E2)

    Mayor McDaniels can’t hold Chef back from singing about making sweet love to Kathie Lee. -Killian Young (KY)

    99. “Loving the Football”

    (“Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride” S1E4)

    If you follow Chef’s advice, you’ll never fumble again. You’ll also probably end up on a sex-offender list. –Matt Melis (MM)

    98. “You and Cthulhu”

    (“Mysterion Rises” S14E12)

    The Coon (aka Cartman) makes a new friend in the massive demon Cthulhu, who is naturally unleashed by BP’s unsafe, offshore drilling. -KY

    97. “Hippitus Hoppitus”

    (“Fantastic Easter Special” S11E5)

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    The Hare Club for Men (brilliant) mash up the Latin Mass and “Here Comes Peter Cottontail” as they go to life-threatening lengths to preserve the long-eared secret of the Catholic Church’s origins. -MM

    96. “Who’s Got the Greatest Mom in the World?”

    (“Tsst” S10E7)

    Cartman can avoid punishment like Tom Sawyer could avoid work; here, he butters up Mrs. Cartman with a melodious little ditty that he’s clearly used countless times before. -MM

    95. “Dawg’s Crew Theme”

    (“Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy” S10E10)

    When Cartman becomes the Hall Monitor of South Park Elementary, he is the dawg. The big, bad dawg. -KY

    94. “Carry on Wayward Son”

    (“Guitar Queer-O” S11E13)

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    Randy learns the hard way that playing real guitar just isn’t as cool as being a master of Guitar Hero. -KY

    93. “Crips and Bloods”

    (“Krazy Kripples” S7E2)

    Jimmy and Timmy find the way to quash even the fiercest gang feud: locking the rivals in a rec center to shoot hoops, eat pizza, and kick it with some board games and puzzles. -KY

    92. “Wake Up Wendy”

    (“Chef Aid” S2E14)

    Stan finds his inner Bernie Taupin, Elton John plays Stan’s song at Chef Aid to impress Wendy, and Johnny Cochran’s heart grows three sizes in the process. Chewbacca defense? -MM

    91. “My Robot Friend”

    (“AWESOM-O” S8E5)

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    Cartman — disguised as the robot A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000 to find out Butters’ embarrassing secrets — finds the tables turned on him when he learns that Butters has an incriminating video of him. -KY

    90. “Canada on Strike”

    (“Canada on Strike” S12E4)

    The world economy grinds to a halt as our neighbors to the north declare they’re going on strike — with fully rehearsed choreography no less. -MM

    89. “I Saw Three Ships”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

    Stan and Kyle can’t stop laughing at Shelly’s rendition of this Christmas carol, so she naturally freaks out. “Shut up, turds!” -KY

    88. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

    Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo reminds us of the true meaning of Christmas: having enough fiber in your diet. -MM

    87. “Christmas Medley”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

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    Jesus and Santa sing Christmas classics about themselves, with composer Marc Shaiman (he did the music for the film version of Hairspray) on the piano. -KY

    86. “Stinky Britches”

    (“Chef Aid” S2E14 / “Prehistoric Ice Man” S2E18)

    This song appears in some form in five episodes but was first heard in “Chef Aid”, when Alanis Morissette stole the song from Chef. -KY

    85. “Jesus Baby”

    (“Christian Rock Hard” S7E9)

    Cartman expresses his special “love” for Jesus as he, Butters, and Token start a Christian rock band called Faith +1 in order to get a platinum-selling record before Kyle, Stan, and Kenny. -MM

    84. “Heat of the Moment”

    (“Kenny Dies” S5E13)

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    Our senators and representatives could learn a thing or two about productivity by joining together for a rousing rendition of Asia’s “Heat of the Moment”, like the one led by Cartman and Congress in South Park. -KY

    83. “Poo-Choo Train”

    (“Red Sleigh Down” S6E17)

    Mr. Hankey and Cartman joyously sing this tune as they make a skid mark across America on their way to the North Pole in a train made of, well, poo. -KY

    82. “I Don’t Want to Wait”

    (“Trapper Keeper” S4E12 / “I’m a Little Bit Country” S7E4)

    Cartman nonchalantly hums this Paula Cole song as he brutally murders the messenger boy so that he can deliver the Declaration of Independence to the Continental Congress. -KY

    81. “My Best Friends”

    (“Spookyfish” S2E15)

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    Ever notice that the goateed “Evil” Cartman is a lot nicer than “Good” Cartman? Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sure do. -MM

    80. “Little Bunny Foo Foo”

    (“Something You Can Do with Your Finger” S4E8)

    Butters’ audition song to join Fingerbang. -KY

    79. “Wild Wild West Rap”

    (“Cat Orgy” S3E7)

    Just as terrible as the Will Smith movie that inspired the track. -KY

    78. “Put That Heart to Work”

    (“Broadway Bro Down” S15E11)

    Randy discovers the quickest way to a woman’s heart: Broadway. “I respect you, bro.” -KY

    77. “Wrestling Audition Song”

    (“W.T.F.” S13E10)

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    “That’s not wrastling!” -KY

    76. “The Only Memeing I’ll Ever Do”

    (“Faith Hilling” S16E3)

    Cartman proves that he can handle the Sunday Night Football theme as he refuses to conform to the latest meme trends and sticks to “Faith Hilling.” -KY

    75. “Cheesy Poofs”

    (“Roger Eberts Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods” S2E11)

    How lame are you if you don’t love Cheesy Poofs? Apparently, we’re “talkin’ Night Court in its fifth season lame.” -MM

    74. “Imagination Song”

    (“Imaginationland Episode 1” S11E10)

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    Matt or Trey clearly visited Disney’s Epcot Center as kids, suffered through that lame “Imagination” ride with the purple dragon, and decided to get back at the world by torturing us with their remarkably unimaginative take on that attraction’s theme song … for three consecutive episodes. Imagination … Imagination … Imagin… -MM

    73. “The Ballad of Paris Hilton”

    (“Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” S8E12)

    Just like “The Ballad of Lemmiwinks”, except encouraging Paris Hilton to continue to climb through the internal organs of Mr. Slave. -KY

    72. “Follow the Only Road”

    (“It’s Christmas in Canada” S7E15)

    Apparently, all Polish jokes become Canadian jokes in the South Park universe. Still, “look out for Scott. He’s a dick!” -MM

    71. “(I’ve Got a) Golden Ticket”

    (“Le Petit Tourette” S11E8)

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    Cartman’s Willy Wonka-style “golden ticket” is pretending that he has Tourette syndrome so that he can cuss without repercussions. -KY

    70. “Raining Blood”

    (“Die, Hippie, Die” S9E2)

    Cartman’s best method to disperse the hippies at the town’s music festival. Three cheers for Slayer! -KY

    69. “I’ve Got Some Apples”

    (“Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” S8E12)

    Sing this while shopping for fruit, and life will seem a little less bleak: “Loo Loo, I got some apples…” -MM

    68. “Work Mexican Work”

    (“The Last of the Meheecans” S15E9)

    Mantequilla (literally Spanish for “butter”) learns the toil of Mexican laborers. -KY

    67. “Work Slut”

    (“The Hobbit” S17E10)

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    It’s a Britney (parody), bitch. The girls of South Park work out to perfect their Photoshop skills. -KY

    66. “Christmas Time Is Once a Year”

    (“Woodland Critter Christmas” S8E14)

    The sunny song is paired with the scene where Stan teaches the lion cubs how to kill the anti-Christ. -KY

    65. “It’s Butters”

    (“Butters’ Very Own Episode” S5E14)

    We’re glad that Butters — the most innocent and gullible boy in South Park — got his very own theme song for his show wrought with terrible family drama. “That’s me!” -KY

    64. “Up There”

    (South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut)

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    Proof that even Satan gets the blues — and can hit a high note. -MM

    63. “Lemmiwinks vs. Wikileaks”

    (“Bass to Mouth” S15E10)

    South Park returned to the 1977 cartoon version of The Hobbit (“Down, Down to Goblin Town”) for this epic track, which soundtracks hero gerbil Lemmiwinks killing the Julian Assange look-alike rat, Wikileaks. -KY

    62. “You’re the Best!”

    (“The Losing Edge” S9E5)

    The montage showing little league baseball teams trying their best not to win leads to Randy getting in fights with other dads and delivering one of his best lines: “I’m sorry, I thought this was America!” -KY

    61. “Down with the Sickness”

    (“With Apologies to Jesse Jackson” S11E1)

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    In one of those classic, cringeworthy scenes of South Park-style hyper violence, Cartman viciously beats a man with dwarfism while Disturbed blares in the background. -KY

    60. “Buffalo Soldier”

    (“Medicinal Fried Chicken” S14E3)

    It’s impossible to unsee Randy pushing his massive, cancerous testicles around in a wheel as he (poorly) sings this Bob Marley classic. -KY

    59. “We Are the Champions”

    (“Stanley’s Cup” S10E14)

    The Detroit Red Wings celebrate their bloodbath victory over the South Park peewee hockey team in this send-up of every sports movie ever made. Oh, and a sick kick dies of cancer as a result. This is why I hate hockey. -MM

    58. “I’m Super”

    (South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut)

    Big Gay Al’s dazzling performance distracts the troops so the boys can rescue Terrance and Phillip. -KY

    57. “Song 2”

    (“Stanley’s Cup” S10E14)

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    The Blur classic soundtracks the riveting matchup between the Park County and Adams County peewee hockey teams. -KY

    56. “Funkytown”

    (“Towelie” S5E8)

    The infamous tune of the world’s biggest pothead towel. -KY

    55. “Carol of the Bells”

    (“Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

    Ever see Beaker, the Swedish Chef, and Animal sing this holiday carol? Same concept, mmm’kay. -MM

    54. “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel”

    (“Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” S1E9 / “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics” S3E15)

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    Cartman naturally butts into Kyle’s rendition of this Hanukkah song to make fun of him for being Jewish. -KY

    53. “The Lonely Jew on Christmas”

    (“Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” S1E9)

    Kyle has a bad case of Jesus envy come Christmastime. Apparently, you can only spin so many dreidels, light so many candles, and eat so many kosher latkes before seeing an Xbox from a fat man in red waiting for you under a pine tree starts looking pretty good. -MM

    52. “You Gotta Do What You Wanna Do!”

    (“Elementary School Musical” S12E13)

    The boys stand up for their dream to do synchronized song and dance in school. -KY

    51. “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset”

    (“Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” S8E12)

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    “Comes with video camera, night-vision filter, fake money, losable cell phone, and 16 hits of ecstasy! Let everyone see your coo-oo-ooch!” -KY

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