Bad lyrics come in many varieties. There’s bad, like someone confused “profound” with “totally obvious” (Van Halen: “Only time will tell if we stand the test of time.”); there’s bad until you realize that, since you’re not a particle physicist, you don’t really know either (Insane Clown Posse: “Fucking magnets! How do they work?”); and there’s bad, like any time Chris Brown offers to “beat it up.”
You won’t find that type of Chris Brown lyric here or even similar sentiments like Usher’s “I’m proud to call you my bitch.” This isn’t a list of the merely distasteful — it’s a celebration of the best of the worst, an attempt to find majesty in travesty.
Only songs that debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 in 2015 were eligible for this list, and the truly terrible lyrics tended to tick at least one of the following three boxes:
— Dance songs going for “epic” and settling for nonsense.
— Sex descriptions of women, written by men who have apparently never had sex.
— Under-qualified pop stars who were allowed to write their own lyrics. (The commercial failure of Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz was a disaster for this article. “The milky milky milk. Your lips get me so wet/ While I’m singing all the verses from the Tibetan Book of the Dead” would have easily made our Top 5.)
Ultimately, 10 songs had a special grandeur that set them apart – by which I mean, set them apart to me. You, of course, will have your own list of the worst, and I hope you’ll oblige me and the other readers by posting them in the comments.
Without further ado, read on for the absolute worst pop lyrics of 2015.