KABOOM! WHOMP! BRRRAPPP!
No, you haven’t walked into an episode of the mid-’60s Batman. Welcome to 50 of the greatest, most destructive, and ear-rattling movie explosions of all time. You’re welcome, America: home of the whopping explosions, the land of the free disaster clips all over YouTube. In an age where Steven Soderbergh has us feeling a bit guilty for indulging in mayhem pornography, we say light this turkey and watch the mesmerizing glow, baby!
Feel the heat on your back as you coolly walk away from chaos! Feel no remorse as you ignore the fact that innocent bystanders probably ate it in the blast! It’s the 4th of July, and this list is about big badabooms. Our forefathers, John Rambo and John Matrix, came to this country, to our cineplexes, to exercise their right to destroy property. And bad guys. And the White House. Wait a minute … those were aliens.
Still, we’re here now to do some Van Dammage. So try not to lose a finger, and be sure to play either “Pyromania” or “The 1812 Overture,” as we let it sing this holiday with a thunderous list of orange and yellow madness. Mind you, these 50 fiery bangers are in no particular order, namely because explosions don’t exactly adhere to form and structure. Just know that there’s nothing more American than claiming your own piece of land and blowing it the hell up.
Fuck CGI and fuck all these stupid houses. Nobody’s denying those stupid houses are models, and the figures standing before them painted dolls. But Jesus, there’s something unsettling the way they just stand still as the fire spews out. They are paralyzed by fear. Fear of John Matrix. I would be, too. –Randall Colburn
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Exploding Arrow Head
Rambo First Blood Part II is not only the most annoying title, but it’s also a red state wet dream about an angry loner picking up where the U.S. government failed, and personally kicking the crap out of something like a thousand Soviets and Vietnamese soldiers in the mid-’80s with gratuitous weapons, like an exploding arrow head … Mr. Rambo, you got a permit for that? –Blake Goble
Alcatraz Goes Bye Bye
It’s a shame that Al Capone, The Birdman, or even Machine Gun Kelly couldn’t hold on to life for just a few decades more. If only they’d survived, they could have watched their former residence being blown all the way up Zeus’ Butthole! But alas, these legendary crooks weren’t around to bear witness. And neither was Sean Connery’s elusive, James Bond-inspired John Mason character because he used the explosion as an excuse to simply disappear, leaving Nicolas Cage with nothing left to do but go home and fuck the prom queen. –Dan Pfleegor
The best explosion in the best film ever made, this scene openly mocks us by having John McClane skirt death about six dozen times. It’s tense and perfect and iconic, and it’s probably the first time we really hate Hans because he’s so ready to let Karl die. ‘Da fuck, Hans? Karl rules. –Randall Colburn
The White House
A lot of people get worked up about the White House blowing up, and yeah, that’s awesome, but as a kid I always found myself so sad for the people in that helicopter. –Randall Colburn
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
All that stands between Blondie (Clint Eastwood), Tuco (Eli Wallach), and the fortune they’ve been chasing is a Confederate-run bridge. So what’s left to do but demolish it? It’s hard to say what’s more memorable: Tuco bracing for the explosion ass-first, or the shrapnel that lands all the way over by them. –Dominick Suzanne-Mayer
The Bridge on the River Kwai
Another Bridge Explosion
So much forced effort to make a bridge in Burma, and all those plots, plans, and abused POWs. For what? The perils of war. The Bridge on the River Kwai truly goes out with a bang, when the eponymous bridge gets laid to waste. Madness! … Madness! –Blake Goble
One More Damn Bridge Explosion
It’s another damn bridge explosion. What do you want from me? [“The bridge is out!”] –Randall Colburn
Antonio Walks Away
A sexy explosion with sexy people. Antonio Banderas is sexy, and Salma Hayek is sexy, and I could just tell you that the fire erupted because two people who are that sexy should never make sexy because it will cause a sexy explosion that kills only the non-sexy, and you would absolutely believe me. –Randall Colburn
The Rock Walks Away
Real tough guys never look at the explosion. And just behold Dwayne Johnson in what we’ll call his pre-Southland Tales phase. The real explosion is about to happen out of that shirt, amirite? –Dominick Suzanne-Mayer